One of my favourite songs is a song called The Change by the artist Steven Curtis Chapman.
The words of the chorus go something like
What about the change
What about the difference
What about the grace
What about forgiveness
I want to live a life that’s showing
I’m undergoing a change.
Everytime I hear this song, I think of my friend Ronke. Ronke was one of those girls that you see on super sweet 16. She lived this ridiculous charmed life, where everything she wanted was provided for her. She lived in a massive house in Hampstead, but had full use of the luxurious 3 bed flat in central London. She went to Cheltenham Ladies College and flew around the world on ridiculously expensive holidays. She wore her clothes like they were Pampers – everything was disposable. And speaking of her wardrobe, let’s do that for a minute. She pranced around in Jimmy choos, and Gina shoes. Her bag collection could pay off my student loan. I didn’t know her growing up, her circle of friends was way out of my league, there was no way that our paths would cross and no reason for it to, but from the moment she started attending my church we became firm friends.
That statement attending my church might not have meant anything to you, but to Ronke it was a revolution. Ronke’s family are strict muslims, now that doesn’t necessarily mean that they were religious per say, but the family is muslim dating back to the year 1920 to hear Ronke tell the story, yet Ronke is a Christian. The story of how she became a Christian, is a story for another day, but as a Christian she’s living the scripture that says you have to go against father and mother. At first when she became a Christian, she kept it a secret from everyone, she went to tiny little churches where there would be no chance of her running into anyone that knew her or her family, but as she learnt more, she grew bolder and that stood her in good stead when she was outed. Yes one day someone saw her at a Christian thing, someone that was a friend of her family, someone that couldn’t wait to tell her father the news. Full credit to her, when she was confronted, she didn’t lie, she didn’t deny, she told him the truth.. It wasn’t pleasant and it wasn’t pretty, and the long and short of it is that Ronke isn’t living that life on the mansion on top of the hill anymore. Her whole life is different, she is I guess what one would call a living testimony – she chose her faith before her comfort, and that dear friends is what I call The Change...
The Change
Well I got myself a t shirt that says what I believe
I got letters on my bracelet to serve as my id
I got the necklace and the key chain
And almost everything a good christian needs yeah
I got the little Bible magnets on my refrigerator door
And a welcome mat to bless you before you walk across my floor
I got a Jesus bumper sticker
And the outline of a fish stuck on my car
And even though this stuffs all well and good yeah
I cannot help but ask myself
What about the change
What about the difference
What about the grace
What about forgiveness
What about a life thats showing
I'm undergoing the change yeah
I'm undergoing the change
Well Ive got this way of thinking that comes so naturally
Where I believe the whole world is revolving around me
And I got this way of living that I have to die to every single day
cause if God’s spirit lives inside of me yeah
Im gonna live life differently
What about the change
What about the difference
What about the grace
What about forgiveness
What about a life thats showing
I'm undergoing the change yeah
I'm undergoing the change
What about the change
What about the difference
What about the grace
What about forgiveness
What about a life thats showing
I'm undergoing the change yeah
I'm undergoing the change
Wednesday, 14 May 2008
Friday, 4 April 2008
SINGLE SARA
I haven’t had a boyfriend since Richard, and that was ages ago. Everytime I talk to my mother, she asks me “so is there anybody”? With an air verging on desperation. My poor mother, she was so looking forward to my wedding, and grandchildren. When she sits down with all her friends, they always seem to be going to their children’s weddings or something, and then they’ll ask my mum in a tone that shows they know the answer “ So is Sara still single”? Its no wonder my mother still hasn’t forgiven me for the Richard debacle. For most people in my family anyway its an old story, until one of my cousins get married, and then everyone starts remembering and starts asking me about Richard, and why did I not marry him, and blah, blah , blah. At every family wedding, I end up revisiting the same old story over and over again, so a lot of the time I try and get sent somewhere out of the country by work. I just can’t take the hassle …..
It’s not easy being single. I mean I don’t care what anybody says. You can read all the Single and loving it books, while blasting Natasha Bedingfield’s I’m single in the background, and it still sucks not to have someone to share your life with. You don’t have someone to take you to dinner, to watch all the new releases with, to talk to before and as you fall asleep. Especially when everyone out there seems to have that in their lives. It makes you think – what’s wrong with me?
And the worst thing about it is just being out there, to be hooked up by all and sundry. Relatives that live in far off countries, call me out of the blue to tell me about some amazing guy. They haven’t seen me since I was 12, yet they think they know me well enough to hook me up. Well meaning friends invite me out with hidden agendas, there’s always someone that would be just perfect for me, who never is. I’ve been set up on more blind dates than I care to remember, and I used to be able to just laugh at these things, but as you get older, it just doesn’t seem as funny, and you start to wonder whether you will ever be found by an amazing guy.
I cry out to God a lot, cos I think I gave up a man because it wasn’t your will, please don’t make me look stupid……
It’s not easy being single. I mean I don’t care what anybody says. You can read all the Single and loving it books, while blasting Natasha Bedingfield’s I’m single in the background, and it still sucks not to have someone to share your life with. You don’t have someone to take you to dinner, to watch all the new releases with, to talk to before and as you fall asleep. Especially when everyone out there seems to have that in their lives. It makes you think – what’s wrong with me?
And the worst thing about it is just being out there, to be hooked up by all and sundry. Relatives that live in far off countries, call me out of the blue to tell me about some amazing guy. They haven’t seen me since I was 12, yet they think they know me well enough to hook me up. Well meaning friends invite me out with hidden agendas, there’s always someone that would be just perfect for me, who never is. I’ve been set up on more blind dates than I care to remember, and I used to be able to just laugh at these things, but as you get older, it just doesn’t seem as funny, and you start to wonder whether you will ever be found by an amazing guy.
I cry out to God a lot, cos I think I gave up a man because it wasn’t your will, please don’t make me look stupid……
Thursday, 27 March 2008
Runaway Bride!!!
.....Richard waited for me to stop crying and then said to me "You don't want to get married do you",which of course caused me to well up again. But afer all was said and done, we had a great conversation, and we talked it all out. He said he had always sensed that I wasn' t 100% about the relationship and that was why he proposed when and how he did to make me committed. He said he was wrong about that, that he should have gone with his instincts, instead of 'forcing' me into a position. I just kept on saying I was sorry, and I think I may have even fallen back on that old standard "It's not you, it's me!", but that was really the case....hey, cliches exist for a reason.
Anyways, he was a perfect gentleman about the whole thing. I thought he would rant and rave, and talk about the humiliation of it all or something, but he didn't. He didn't shout, he just seemed sad, and resigned. We ended our relationship, he took back the ring - he didn't want to, I insisted, and he offered to come and tell my parents with me. I was so tempted to agree, but I knew that I had to face the music on my own. My mum did not talk to me for a month. I kid you not. After I told her it was over, I had the reaction from her that I thought I would have from Richard. The yelling, the shouting, the screaming - believe me these are three different things. She called me ungrateful, stuborn, stupid, unrealistic. She told me that I wasn't getting any younger, this was probably my only chance to marry.....
Telling our friends wasn't as bad, but it was painful. Most of them were incredulous and asked me the questions my mum was asking. They thought - some of my friends and my mum that is, that Richard must have cheated on me or something, and that's why I was ending it. They couldn't comprehend my answers of no he didn't cheat, he just isn't the one They warned me not to get cocky and think that I knew what God was saying, when I told them that I didn't think that God was telling me that Richard was my husband - clumsy sentence - when I told them that God was telling me that Richard was not my husband. They asked me when I was going to start my own ministry since I could hear God so well. Not all my friends were like this. Tobi and my friend Melanie from work were amazing - they didn't question me incessantly. They accepted my decision and stood by me. I spent so much time in Tobi's house at the time, as it was so refreshing to be with people that weren't calling you mad, stupid, crazy every five seconds.
Richard went away on holiday shortly after, and I tried to get on with life, but it was hard. I missed Richard, I did like/love him, but he just wasn't my husband, and I had been psyching myself for so long to be his wife, that I felt the absence of him quite keenly. He didn't talk to me for a while as well, well he did call once. I said he didn't yell at me at the time, and I said he acted impeccably, but he was hurt, and talking to his friends didn't help. They kept on telling me how rubbish I was....for rubbish insert, ungrateful, dishonest........you name it, I was called a lot of things back then. Richard didn't say calm, and I did get my yelling from him, and I took it. I took a lot of things back then, but I never lost my sense/belief that it would have been wrong to marry Richard. Not even when he called me two years later to tell me that he was married to someone else. They had twins a year ago, as for me, I'm still single, just like my mother said I would be...........
Anyways, he was a perfect gentleman about the whole thing. I thought he would rant and rave, and talk about the humiliation of it all or something, but he didn't. He didn't shout, he just seemed sad, and resigned. We ended our relationship, he took back the ring - he didn't want to, I insisted, and he offered to come and tell my parents with me. I was so tempted to agree, but I knew that I had to face the music on my own. My mum did not talk to me for a month. I kid you not. After I told her it was over, I had the reaction from her that I thought I would have from Richard. The yelling, the shouting, the screaming - believe me these are three different things. She called me ungrateful, stuborn, stupid, unrealistic. She told me that I wasn't getting any younger, this was probably my only chance to marry.....
Telling our friends wasn't as bad, but it was painful. Most of them were incredulous and asked me the questions my mum was asking. They thought - some of my friends and my mum that is, that Richard must have cheated on me or something, and that's why I was ending it. They couldn't comprehend my answers of no he didn't cheat, he just isn't the one They warned me not to get cocky and think that I knew what God was saying, when I told them that I didn't think that God was telling me that Richard was my husband - clumsy sentence - when I told them that God was telling me that Richard was not my husband. They asked me when I was going to start my own ministry since I could hear God so well. Not all my friends were like this. Tobi and my friend Melanie from work were amazing - they didn't question me incessantly. They accepted my decision and stood by me. I spent so much time in Tobi's house at the time, as it was so refreshing to be with people that weren't calling you mad, stupid, crazy every five seconds.
Richard went away on holiday shortly after, and I tried to get on with life, but it was hard. I missed Richard, I did like/love him, but he just wasn't my husband, and I had been psyching myself for so long to be his wife, that I felt the absence of him quite keenly. He didn't talk to me for a while as well, well he did call once. I said he didn't yell at me at the time, and I said he acted impeccably, but he was hurt, and talking to his friends didn't help. They kept on telling me how rubbish I was....for rubbish insert, ungrateful, dishonest........you name it, I was called a lot of things back then. Richard didn't say calm, and I did get my yelling from him, and I took it. I took a lot of things back then, but I never lost my sense/belief that it would have been wrong to marry Richard. Not even when he called me two years later to tell me that he was married to someone else. They had twins a year ago, as for me, I'm still single, just like my mother said I would be...........
Monday, 10 March 2008
You must be Jonesing......
First of all, can I just apologise to my few readers, for keeping you hanging on this update. I've been absolutely swamped with work, its not even funny. So where was I, ah, the proposal...
So Richard proposed, and I paused for a few seconds, as the squeals of excitement reverberated around me. I kid you not, it was almost like I had an out of body experience, and was watching my whole life flash me by, it felt like ages, but it was a couple of secs, and suddenly I realised that the room was deathly quiet, I saw everyone's eyes fixed on me, and poor Richard looking like he was in great discomfort from balancing on one knee. I saw my mother with her arms pressed to her chest in some kind of rapture, her eyes showing a glimmer of annoyance that this was taking so long, I saw my siblings, my best friends, my cousins from out of town, and I thought wow this guy really put a lot of effort into planning this thing, and I looked down and saw the ring- this amazing diamond, completely the specifications I never even knew I had, and I thought to myself, Sara, what in the world is wrong with you? I smiled, and then formed the word Yes....., though what I actually said was YE....., didn't even get to finish the word, as the great roar from the crowd, that they had been holding back, erupted around me, my mum danced and sang these old praise songs. Richard dusted his knees and gave me a ginormous hug. Everyone was sooooooooo happy, that I was too, or at least I convinced myself I was. As everyone crowded around us, examining the ring, and jostling for positions on the bridal train (yes it started immediately) I pushed back any doubts to the recesses of my mind, and concentrated on my new role as wife - elect......
And for a while it was fine. Richard was/is great, but like stated previously not great for me. I couldn't help but feel that I was robbing someone else of their perfect man, their ideal life, because I wasn't brave enough to admit what I was feeling. So I started picking fights with him, now can I just say that at the time I wasn't doing this consciously, but I've had a lot of time to think about it since then, and I know that's what I was doing, though I didn't realise it at the time. I would flare up at the slightest thing, I used the words "I can't live like this" a lot, "Is this what life will be like", was also one of my favourite expressions. Richard of course didn't bite, he was never anything less than kind or considerate. Now, I dont want to give the impression that he was some kind of weakling or sap or anything like that. Of course he got annoyed, but after that, he was always trying to fix it, to make it better, which of course was at odds with me trying to end it, and run as far away as possible.
I don't know how to explain this, believe me I've tried, over and over again to explain it to the people who know me the best, and love me the most, and they still don't understand, but I felt trapped. I just knew in my spirit, felt all the way down to my toes that he wasn't the one for me, but I couldn't put it into words, and I was engaged now, so how do you go kicking and screaming down the aisle. Inside I'm thinking, I don't think I should be in this relationship, and outside I'm having conversations about guest lists, and venues, and asoebi. I couldn't talk to anyone, well I did talk to my friend Tobi about it a bit, but even he didn't understand, and everytime I would voice a fear to him, he would just reassure me that it was pre-wedding jitters and would talk about what a great guy Richard was. This just made it seem worse, because if even my best friend couldn't get it, who in the world was going to understand me??
And so the wedding jugernaut rolled on, flattening everything in its process, and I just got quieter and quieter, and more and more upset. I kept on praying and asking God to change my feelings, questioning why I felt this way about this lovely man, help me in this situation.......You know, those prayers, where you don't say much to God but HELP! HELP! HELP!!!!!!!!! The situation remained the same, my feelings didn't change, I still felt trapped, guilty, alone, and then one day, I remember it like it happened yesterday. I was sitting down in my living room, talking/ arguing to my mum on the phone about how many invitations she was going to get, when there was a knock on my door, it was Richard, he looked at me, and said we needed to talk. I said about......
He said, why are you not happy?? And I just started to cry.............
Oh my goodness, is that the time? I know you guys are going to kill me, but I really have to continue this later, I promise I will finish the story next installment. It's just soooooooo long, and I've got to go to work now or I will be ridiculously late!!!
So Richard proposed, and I paused for a few seconds, as the squeals of excitement reverberated around me. I kid you not, it was almost like I had an out of body experience, and was watching my whole life flash me by, it felt like ages, but it was a couple of secs, and suddenly I realised that the room was deathly quiet, I saw everyone's eyes fixed on me, and poor Richard looking like he was in great discomfort from balancing on one knee. I saw my mother with her arms pressed to her chest in some kind of rapture, her eyes showing a glimmer of annoyance that this was taking so long, I saw my siblings, my best friends, my cousins from out of town, and I thought wow this guy really put a lot of effort into planning this thing, and I looked down and saw the ring- this amazing diamond, completely the specifications I never even knew I had, and I thought to myself, Sara, what in the world is wrong with you? I smiled, and then formed the word Yes....., though what I actually said was YE....., didn't even get to finish the word, as the great roar from the crowd, that they had been holding back, erupted around me, my mum danced and sang these old praise songs. Richard dusted his knees and gave me a ginormous hug. Everyone was sooooooooo happy, that I was too, or at least I convinced myself I was. As everyone crowded around us, examining the ring, and jostling for positions on the bridal train (yes it started immediately) I pushed back any doubts to the recesses of my mind, and concentrated on my new role as wife - elect......
And for a while it was fine. Richard was/is great, but like stated previously not great for me. I couldn't help but feel that I was robbing someone else of their perfect man, their ideal life, because I wasn't brave enough to admit what I was feeling. So I started picking fights with him, now can I just say that at the time I wasn't doing this consciously, but I've had a lot of time to think about it since then, and I know that's what I was doing, though I didn't realise it at the time. I would flare up at the slightest thing, I used the words "I can't live like this" a lot, "Is this what life will be like", was also one of my favourite expressions. Richard of course didn't bite, he was never anything less than kind or considerate. Now, I dont want to give the impression that he was some kind of weakling or sap or anything like that. Of course he got annoyed, but after that, he was always trying to fix it, to make it better, which of course was at odds with me trying to end it, and run as far away as possible.
I don't know how to explain this, believe me I've tried, over and over again to explain it to the people who know me the best, and love me the most, and they still don't understand, but I felt trapped. I just knew in my spirit, felt all the way down to my toes that he wasn't the one for me, but I couldn't put it into words, and I was engaged now, so how do you go kicking and screaming down the aisle. Inside I'm thinking, I don't think I should be in this relationship, and outside I'm having conversations about guest lists, and venues, and asoebi. I couldn't talk to anyone, well I did talk to my friend Tobi about it a bit, but even he didn't understand, and everytime I would voice a fear to him, he would just reassure me that it was pre-wedding jitters and would talk about what a great guy Richard was. This just made it seem worse, because if even my best friend couldn't get it, who in the world was going to understand me??
And so the wedding jugernaut rolled on, flattening everything in its process, and I just got quieter and quieter, and more and more upset. I kept on praying and asking God to change my feelings, questioning why I felt this way about this lovely man, help me in this situation.......You know, those prayers, where you don't say much to God but HELP! HELP! HELP!!!!!!!!! The situation remained the same, my feelings didn't change, I still felt trapped, guilty, alone, and then one day, I remember it like it happened yesterday. I was sitting down in my living room, talking/ arguing to my mum on the phone about how many invitations she was going to get, when there was a knock on my door, it was Richard, he looked at me, and said we needed to talk. I said about......
He said, why are you not happy?? And I just started to cry.............
Oh my goodness, is that the time? I know you guys are going to kill me, but I really have to continue this later, I promise I will finish the story next installment. It's just soooooooo long, and I've got to go to work now or I will be ridiculously late!!!
Friday, 29 February 2008
Me and Mr Jones
I used to be engaged. His name was Richard Jones, and he was perfect. He was tall, gorgeous, he had a good job, he was nigerian (imp to the parentals), was a christian, and he loved me, but he wasn't the one.........
Has that ever happened to you? When everything seems that it should be right, but somehow its not??
I met Richard when I was in school, and by school I mean university. I was at one of those parties, that every student seems to congregate at. The room was dark, (when isn't it?), and I was just thinking to myself, what in the world am I still doing at this party, when I heard a voice say behind me ( and I kid you not)... "I saw you in my dreams" I KNOWWWWWWWWWW!!! So I spun round, about to give the evil eye to this corny, cheesy, dude, and I turn and I look at this 6'3, absolutely gorgeous guy, with cheekbones to die for, and the most devastating smile, which he was flashing at me, and the insult I was supposed to fire at him, died in my throat, and what I came out with was......so what was I doing in your dream? All the while batting my eyelashes flirtatiously - or so I thought, until he asked if something was in my eye?
Well that was where it started, we exchanged numbers and he called me the next day, none of this three day rule nonsense ( I hate that), and we talked, and talked. He was an engineer (but you knew that already - well unless you thought he was a doctor or a lawyer) in the making, and it was his final year, but he had already got his job sorted out. He was a christian, and shared the same beliefs and values I did. He got on with my friends, well I didn't know Ronke then, but he got on with Tobi and Michael, and the girls I was hanging out with then - Yetunde and Laura ( side note to myself, need to call those girls sometime), he got on with my family. My mother absolutely LOVED him, she adored him, I think she liked him more than me. It was like she wished she could be my age so she could go back and marry him (and if she ever reads this blog, that was a joke ma). Sounds perfect doesn't it?
Well it was and it wasn't. All through the Richard thing I felt like I was rushed along, you know like everything was just moving too fast, like I was getting carried away, and I never got any time to think it through. He was always doing the grandest things, he was a big one for grand gestures, and that's nice and all, but I didn't always like it. I know some of you are reading this thinking, is this girl mad? That's what everyone at the time thought, I thought my mum was going to commit me when it ended. And with all the fore-shadowing I've done, you guys know the relationship ended.
Richard was perfect, but not for me. I don't know if I want to be married to someone perfect anyway. I liked him, but my heart wasn't in it, but I went along with it for so long, because I kept on rationalising it, and cos everyone kept on saying, you are so lucky, he's so nice. And I wish I could sit here and tell you that in private he was awful to me - cos at least it would make more sense, but he wasn't. He was nice, he just wasn't the one. I'm a christian, and I believe that people have to be led by the spirit. Well my spirit had no peace, there was no leading or nothing to make me believe that this man was the one I was supposed to spend the REST OF MY LIFE WITH!!!
I take marriage very seriously, and I never want to be divorced, so I have to be sure, surer than sure to make that kind of committment, and I just never felt like that. So I hear you ask, if you felt this way, why did you get engaged?
Well, I got engaged, because the stupid guy only went and proposed to me in front of EVERYONE!!! (I HATE, HATE,HATE PUBLIC PROPOSALS) It was my birthday, on one of those ages that everyone comes. It was a huge party, organised by him, and there was a section in the party where I had to open my presents, and his was a book, that detailed the story of us, with pictures, and poems, and momentos from our relationship ( and now you are thinking this girl is certifiable), and I was looking down at the book, thinking awwwwww, how sweet, when I hear the whole party shouting, and so I look up, and there is Richard, on his knees holding out this ring box, and I'm stuck, because at this time I'm having all these doubts, but what can you say- all your family is there, some of his, every friend you both ever have, your mother is looking like she's going to faint from excitement, he's just given you this amazing present, and the guy is frigging on his knees, holding some nice diamond. I dare you to say no.......
Well maybe you would but I didn't, I guess I'm not as brave as you.............
I'll continue this next week........
Has that ever happened to you? When everything seems that it should be right, but somehow its not??
I met Richard when I was in school, and by school I mean university. I was at one of those parties, that every student seems to congregate at. The room was dark, (when isn't it?), and I was just thinking to myself, what in the world am I still doing at this party, when I heard a voice say behind me ( and I kid you not)... "I saw you in my dreams" I KNOWWWWWWWWWW!!! So I spun round, about to give the evil eye to this corny, cheesy, dude, and I turn and I look at this 6'3, absolutely gorgeous guy, with cheekbones to die for, and the most devastating smile, which he was flashing at me, and the insult I was supposed to fire at him, died in my throat, and what I came out with was......so what was I doing in your dream? All the while batting my eyelashes flirtatiously - or so I thought, until he asked if something was in my eye?
Well that was where it started, we exchanged numbers and he called me the next day, none of this three day rule nonsense ( I hate that), and we talked, and talked. He was an engineer (but you knew that already - well unless you thought he was a doctor or a lawyer) in the making, and it was his final year, but he had already got his job sorted out. He was a christian, and shared the same beliefs and values I did. He got on with my friends, well I didn't know Ronke then, but he got on with Tobi and Michael, and the girls I was hanging out with then - Yetunde and Laura ( side note to myself, need to call those girls sometime), he got on with my family. My mother absolutely LOVED him, she adored him, I think she liked him more than me. It was like she wished she could be my age so she could go back and marry him (and if she ever reads this blog, that was a joke ma). Sounds perfect doesn't it?
Well it was and it wasn't. All through the Richard thing I felt like I was rushed along, you know like everything was just moving too fast, like I was getting carried away, and I never got any time to think it through. He was always doing the grandest things, he was a big one for grand gestures, and that's nice and all, but I didn't always like it. I know some of you are reading this thinking, is this girl mad? That's what everyone at the time thought, I thought my mum was going to commit me when it ended. And with all the fore-shadowing I've done, you guys know the relationship ended.
Richard was perfect, but not for me. I don't know if I want to be married to someone perfect anyway. I liked him, but my heart wasn't in it, but I went along with it for so long, because I kept on rationalising it, and cos everyone kept on saying, you are so lucky, he's so nice. And I wish I could sit here and tell you that in private he was awful to me - cos at least it would make more sense, but he wasn't. He was nice, he just wasn't the one. I'm a christian, and I believe that people have to be led by the spirit. Well my spirit had no peace, there was no leading or nothing to make me believe that this man was the one I was supposed to spend the REST OF MY LIFE WITH!!!
I take marriage very seriously, and I never want to be divorced, so I have to be sure, surer than sure to make that kind of committment, and I just never felt like that. So I hear you ask, if you felt this way, why did you get engaged?
Well, I got engaged, because the stupid guy only went and proposed to me in front of EVERYONE!!! (I HATE, HATE,HATE PUBLIC PROPOSALS) It was my birthday, on one of those ages that everyone comes. It was a huge party, organised by him, and there was a section in the party where I had to open my presents, and his was a book, that detailed the story of us, with pictures, and poems, and momentos from our relationship ( and now you are thinking this girl is certifiable), and I was looking down at the book, thinking awwwwww, how sweet, when I hear the whole party shouting, and so I look up, and there is Richard, on his knees holding out this ring box, and I'm stuck, because at this time I'm having all these doubts, but what can you say- all your family is there, some of his, every friend you both ever have, your mother is looking like she's going to faint from excitement, he's just given you this amazing present, and the guy is frigging on his knees, holding some nice diamond. I dare you to say no.......
Well maybe you would but I didn't, I guess I'm not as brave as you.............
I'll continue this next week........
Thursday, 14 February 2008
Sadomasochism
Sadomasochism is defined in the dictionary as deriving pleasure from one's own pain. I think I've become a master at it. How else can you explain my love for romantic comedies aka chick flicks, and love stories? Why do I do this to myself???
This is no new development, my self-inflicted pain goes back a long time. When I was a kid I used to read Mills and Boons. You know the ones, girl meets guy. Guy is impossibly good-looking, but with a stubborn streak, girl is a ravishing beauty but very independent. They meet, they hate each other, then they love each other, then they have sex in the middle of the book ( I used to skip those parts), then they have a big fall-out, usually because they are at cross purposes, but they make up by the end, and they both live happily ever after. M&B's were so formulaic, that it seemed like anyone could write them, but I was a sucker for them every time. I even read the nigerian version - pacesetters....(By the way does anybody know if those books exist anymore?). As I grew up into the ravishing beauty that the M&B's said I was, my story didn't seem to follow the formula. The guys were not impossibly handsome, stubborn yes, but not in a good way, if we fought, that was the end, and the happy ever after bit, just wasn't happening. Don't tell me Penny Jordan lied - that I wouldn't find my Prince Charming after overcoming a few difficulties? Say it isn't so?
Well, it was so, and I grew older and I stopped reading M&B's, but I continued to read the type, and then there were the movies. With the books, I had to imagine the romance, with the films, there it was right before my eyes, and I watched them all. I watched pretty woman, house arrest, bird on a wire, while you were sleeping, you name it - if it was billed as romantic I was at video net trying to rent it. Watching these movies, I started to think to myself, you mean the prostitute, pathalogical liar, con-woman, and fake fiance, can get the man of their dreams, but I can't? It just didn't seem fair.
Life just isn't fair, it wasn't fair in the movies as well, but somehow it seemed to work out for them. I mean, it wasn't fair that Julia Roberts had to overcome all those problems, which led her to become a prostitute, but what do you know, she ended up with Richard Gere, so I guess it turned out all right ( I have seen pretty woman, a record number of times). The thing about reading these books and watching these movies, is that you are transported to a world where everything works out in the end, yeah you have misunderstandings, but love conquers all. The men aren't afraid to say how they feel, and the women are vulnerable enough to accept it. You spend 2-3 hours watching the film, or reading the book, and then it ends, and you are back to reality, and that stupid boy still doesn't know you exist, or you are spending another saturday night at home. Or it's valentines day and you're all alone.................
This is no new development, my self-inflicted pain goes back a long time. When I was a kid I used to read Mills and Boons. You know the ones, girl meets guy. Guy is impossibly good-looking, but with a stubborn streak, girl is a ravishing beauty but very independent. They meet, they hate each other, then they love each other, then they have sex in the middle of the book ( I used to skip those parts), then they have a big fall-out, usually because they are at cross purposes, but they make up by the end, and they both live happily ever after. M&B's were so formulaic, that it seemed like anyone could write them, but I was a sucker for them every time. I even read the nigerian version - pacesetters....(By the way does anybody know if those books exist anymore?). As I grew up into the ravishing beauty that the M&B's said I was, my story didn't seem to follow the formula. The guys were not impossibly handsome, stubborn yes, but not in a good way, if we fought, that was the end, and the happy ever after bit, just wasn't happening. Don't tell me Penny Jordan lied - that I wouldn't find my Prince Charming after overcoming a few difficulties? Say it isn't so?
Well, it was so, and I grew older and I stopped reading M&B's, but I continued to read the type, and then there were the movies. With the books, I had to imagine the romance, with the films, there it was right before my eyes, and I watched them all. I watched pretty woman, house arrest, bird on a wire, while you were sleeping, you name it - if it was billed as romantic I was at video net trying to rent it. Watching these movies, I started to think to myself, you mean the prostitute, pathalogical liar, con-woman, and fake fiance, can get the man of their dreams, but I can't? It just didn't seem fair.
Life just isn't fair, it wasn't fair in the movies as well, but somehow it seemed to work out for them. I mean, it wasn't fair that Julia Roberts had to overcome all those problems, which led her to become a prostitute, but what do you know, she ended up with Richard Gere, so I guess it turned out all right ( I have seen pretty woman, a record number of times). The thing about reading these books and watching these movies, is that you are transported to a world where everything works out in the end, yeah you have misunderstandings, but love conquers all. The men aren't afraid to say how they feel, and the women are vulnerable enough to accept it. You spend 2-3 hours watching the film, or reading the book, and then it ends, and you are back to reality, and that stupid boy still doesn't know you exist, or you are spending another saturday night at home. Or it's valentines day and you're all alone.................
Movie Night Reloaded
Can I just say that I am Legend, was awfullllllllllllllllll!!!!!! I dreamt of a rabid dog chasing me all night
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