.....Richard waited for me to stop crying and then said to me "You don't want to get married do you",which of course caused me to well up again. But afer all was said and done, we had a great conversation, and we talked it all out. He said he had always sensed that I wasn' t 100% about the relationship and that was why he proposed when and how he did to make me committed. He said he was wrong about that, that he should have gone with his instincts, instead of 'forcing' me into a position. I just kept on saying I was sorry, and I think I may have even fallen back on that old standard "It's not you, it's me!", but that was really the case....hey, cliches exist for a reason.
Anyways, he was a perfect gentleman about the whole thing. I thought he would rant and rave, and talk about the humiliation of it all or something, but he didn't. He didn't shout, he just seemed sad, and resigned. We ended our relationship, he took back the ring - he didn't want to, I insisted, and he offered to come and tell my parents with me. I was so tempted to agree, but I knew that I had to face the music on my own. My mum did not talk to me for a month. I kid you not. After I told her it was over, I had the reaction from her that I thought I would have from Richard. The yelling, the shouting, the screaming - believe me these are three different things. She called me ungrateful, stuborn, stupid, unrealistic. She told me that I wasn't getting any younger, this was probably my only chance to marry.....
Telling our friends wasn't as bad, but it was painful. Most of them were incredulous and asked me the questions my mum was asking. They thought - some of my friends and my mum that is, that Richard must have cheated on me or something, and that's why I was ending it. They couldn't comprehend my answers of no he didn't cheat, he just isn't the one They warned me not to get cocky and think that I knew what God was saying, when I told them that I didn't think that God was telling me that Richard was my husband - clumsy sentence - when I told them that God was telling me that Richard was not my husband. They asked me when I was going to start my own ministry since I could hear God so well. Not all my friends were like this. Tobi and my friend Melanie from work were amazing - they didn't question me incessantly. They accepted my decision and stood by me. I spent so much time in Tobi's house at the time, as it was so refreshing to be with people that weren't calling you mad, stupid, crazy every five seconds.
Richard went away on holiday shortly after, and I tried to get on with life, but it was hard. I missed Richard, I did like/love him, but he just wasn't my husband, and I had been psyching myself for so long to be his wife, that I felt the absence of him quite keenly. He didn't talk to me for a while as well, well he did call once. I said he didn't yell at me at the time, and I said he acted impeccably, but he was hurt, and talking to his friends didn't help. They kept on telling me how rubbish I was....for rubbish insert, ungrateful, dishonest........you name it, I was called a lot of things back then. Richard didn't say calm, and I did get my yelling from him, and I took it. I took a lot of things back then, but I never lost my sense/belief that it would have been wrong to marry Richard. Not even when he called me two years later to tell me that he was married to someone else. They had twins a year ago, as for me, I'm still single, just like my mother said I would be...........
Thursday, 27 March 2008
Monday, 10 March 2008
You must be Jonesing......
First of all, can I just apologise to my few readers, for keeping you hanging on this update. I've been absolutely swamped with work, its not even funny. So where was I, ah, the proposal...
So Richard proposed, and I paused for a few seconds, as the squeals of excitement reverberated around me. I kid you not, it was almost like I had an out of body experience, and was watching my whole life flash me by, it felt like ages, but it was a couple of secs, and suddenly I realised that the room was deathly quiet, I saw everyone's eyes fixed on me, and poor Richard looking like he was in great discomfort from balancing on one knee. I saw my mother with her arms pressed to her chest in some kind of rapture, her eyes showing a glimmer of annoyance that this was taking so long, I saw my siblings, my best friends, my cousins from out of town, and I thought wow this guy really put a lot of effort into planning this thing, and I looked down and saw the ring- this amazing diamond, completely the specifications I never even knew I had, and I thought to myself, Sara, what in the world is wrong with you? I smiled, and then formed the word Yes....., though what I actually said was YE....., didn't even get to finish the word, as the great roar from the crowd, that they had been holding back, erupted around me, my mum danced and sang these old praise songs. Richard dusted his knees and gave me a ginormous hug. Everyone was sooooooooo happy, that I was too, or at least I convinced myself I was. As everyone crowded around us, examining the ring, and jostling for positions on the bridal train (yes it started immediately) I pushed back any doubts to the recesses of my mind, and concentrated on my new role as wife - elect......
And for a while it was fine. Richard was/is great, but like stated previously not great for me. I couldn't help but feel that I was robbing someone else of their perfect man, their ideal life, because I wasn't brave enough to admit what I was feeling. So I started picking fights with him, now can I just say that at the time I wasn't doing this consciously, but I've had a lot of time to think about it since then, and I know that's what I was doing, though I didn't realise it at the time. I would flare up at the slightest thing, I used the words "I can't live like this" a lot, "Is this what life will be like", was also one of my favourite expressions. Richard of course didn't bite, he was never anything less than kind or considerate. Now, I dont want to give the impression that he was some kind of weakling or sap or anything like that. Of course he got annoyed, but after that, he was always trying to fix it, to make it better, which of course was at odds with me trying to end it, and run as far away as possible.
I don't know how to explain this, believe me I've tried, over and over again to explain it to the people who know me the best, and love me the most, and they still don't understand, but I felt trapped. I just knew in my spirit, felt all the way down to my toes that he wasn't the one for me, but I couldn't put it into words, and I was engaged now, so how do you go kicking and screaming down the aisle. Inside I'm thinking, I don't think I should be in this relationship, and outside I'm having conversations about guest lists, and venues, and asoebi. I couldn't talk to anyone, well I did talk to my friend Tobi about it a bit, but even he didn't understand, and everytime I would voice a fear to him, he would just reassure me that it was pre-wedding jitters and would talk about what a great guy Richard was. This just made it seem worse, because if even my best friend couldn't get it, who in the world was going to understand me??
And so the wedding jugernaut rolled on, flattening everything in its process, and I just got quieter and quieter, and more and more upset. I kept on praying and asking God to change my feelings, questioning why I felt this way about this lovely man, help me in this situation.......You know, those prayers, where you don't say much to God but HELP! HELP! HELP!!!!!!!!! The situation remained the same, my feelings didn't change, I still felt trapped, guilty, alone, and then one day, I remember it like it happened yesterday. I was sitting down in my living room, talking/ arguing to my mum on the phone about how many invitations she was going to get, when there was a knock on my door, it was Richard, he looked at me, and said we needed to talk. I said about......
He said, why are you not happy?? And I just started to cry.............
Oh my goodness, is that the time? I know you guys are going to kill me, but I really have to continue this later, I promise I will finish the story next installment. It's just soooooooo long, and I've got to go to work now or I will be ridiculously late!!!
So Richard proposed, and I paused for a few seconds, as the squeals of excitement reverberated around me. I kid you not, it was almost like I had an out of body experience, and was watching my whole life flash me by, it felt like ages, but it was a couple of secs, and suddenly I realised that the room was deathly quiet, I saw everyone's eyes fixed on me, and poor Richard looking like he was in great discomfort from balancing on one knee. I saw my mother with her arms pressed to her chest in some kind of rapture, her eyes showing a glimmer of annoyance that this was taking so long, I saw my siblings, my best friends, my cousins from out of town, and I thought wow this guy really put a lot of effort into planning this thing, and I looked down and saw the ring- this amazing diamond, completely the specifications I never even knew I had, and I thought to myself, Sara, what in the world is wrong with you? I smiled, and then formed the word Yes....., though what I actually said was YE....., didn't even get to finish the word, as the great roar from the crowd, that they had been holding back, erupted around me, my mum danced and sang these old praise songs. Richard dusted his knees and gave me a ginormous hug. Everyone was sooooooooo happy, that I was too, or at least I convinced myself I was. As everyone crowded around us, examining the ring, and jostling for positions on the bridal train (yes it started immediately) I pushed back any doubts to the recesses of my mind, and concentrated on my new role as wife - elect......
And for a while it was fine. Richard was/is great, but like stated previously not great for me. I couldn't help but feel that I was robbing someone else of their perfect man, their ideal life, because I wasn't brave enough to admit what I was feeling. So I started picking fights with him, now can I just say that at the time I wasn't doing this consciously, but I've had a lot of time to think about it since then, and I know that's what I was doing, though I didn't realise it at the time. I would flare up at the slightest thing, I used the words "I can't live like this" a lot, "Is this what life will be like", was also one of my favourite expressions. Richard of course didn't bite, he was never anything less than kind or considerate. Now, I dont want to give the impression that he was some kind of weakling or sap or anything like that. Of course he got annoyed, but after that, he was always trying to fix it, to make it better, which of course was at odds with me trying to end it, and run as far away as possible.
I don't know how to explain this, believe me I've tried, over and over again to explain it to the people who know me the best, and love me the most, and they still don't understand, but I felt trapped. I just knew in my spirit, felt all the way down to my toes that he wasn't the one for me, but I couldn't put it into words, and I was engaged now, so how do you go kicking and screaming down the aisle. Inside I'm thinking, I don't think I should be in this relationship, and outside I'm having conversations about guest lists, and venues, and asoebi. I couldn't talk to anyone, well I did talk to my friend Tobi about it a bit, but even he didn't understand, and everytime I would voice a fear to him, he would just reassure me that it was pre-wedding jitters and would talk about what a great guy Richard was. This just made it seem worse, because if even my best friend couldn't get it, who in the world was going to understand me??
And so the wedding jugernaut rolled on, flattening everything in its process, and I just got quieter and quieter, and more and more upset. I kept on praying and asking God to change my feelings, questioning why I felt this way about this lovely man, help me in this situation.......You know, those prayers, where you don't say much to God but HELP! HELP! HELP!!!!!!!!! The situation remained the same, my feelings didn't change, I still felt trapped, guilty, alone, and then one day, I remember it like it happened yesterday. I was sitting down in my living room, talking/ arguing to my mum on the phone about how many invitations she was going to get, when there was a knock on my door, it was Richard, he looked at me, and said we needed to talk. I said about......
He said, why are you not happy?? And I just started to cry.............
Oh my goodness, is that the time? I know you guys are going to kill me, but I really have to continue this later, I promise I will finish the story next installment. It's just soooooooo long, and I've got to go to work now or I will be ridiculously late!!!
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