You must be Jonesing......

First of all, can I just apologise to my few readers, for keeping you hanging on this update. I've been absolutely swamped with work, its not even funny. So where was I, ah, the proposal...

So Richard proposed, and I paused for a few seconds, as the squeals of excitement reverberated around me. I kid you not, it was almost like I had an out of body experience, and was watching my whole life flash me by, it felt like ages, but it was a couple of secs, and suddenly I realised that the room was deathly quiet, I saw everyone's eyes fixed on me, and poor Richard looking like he was in great discomfort from balancing on one knee. I saw my mother with her arms pressed to her chest in some kind of rapture, her eyes showing a glimmer of annoyance that this was taking so long, I saw my siblings, my best friends, my cousins from out of town, and I thought wow this guy really put a lot of effort into planning this thing, and I looked down and saw the ring- this amazing diamond, completely the specifications I never even knew I had, and I thought to myself, Sara, what in the world is wrong with you? I smiled, and then formed the word Yes....., though what I actually said was YE....., didn't even get to finish the word, as the great roar from the crowd, that they had been holding back, erupted around me, my mum danced and sang these old praise songs. Richard dusted his knees and gave me a ginormous hug. Everyone was sooooooooo happy, that I was too, or at least I convinced myself I was. As everyone crowded around us, examining the ring, and jostling for positions on the bridal train (yes it started immediately) I pushed back any doubts to the recesses of my mind, and concentrated on my new role as wife - elect......

And for a while it was fine. Richard was/is great, but like stated previously not great for me. I couldn't help but feel that I was robbing someone else of their perfect man, their ideal life, because I wasn't brave enough to admit what I was feeling. So I started picking fights with him, now can I just say that at the time I wasn't doing this consciously, but I've had a lot of time to think about it since then, and I know that's what I was doing, though I didn't realise it at the time. I would flare up at the slightest thing, I used the words "I can't live like this" a lot, "Is this what life will be like", was also one of my favourite expressions. Richard of course didn't bite, he was never anything less than kind or considerate. Now, I dont want to give the impression that he was some kind of weakling or sap or anything like that. Of course he got annoyed, but after that, he was always trying to fix it, to make it better, which of course was at odds with me trying to end it, and run as far away as possible.

I don't know how to explain this, believe me I've tried, over and over again to explain it to the people who know me the best, and love me the most, and they still don't understand, but I felt trapped. I just knew in my spirit, felt all the way down to my toes that he wasn't the one for me, but I couldn't put it into words, and I was engaged now, so how do you go kicking and screaming down the aisle. Inside I'm thinking, I don't think I should be in this relationship, and outside I'm having conversations about guest lists, and venues, and asoebi. I couldn't talk to anyone, well I did talk to my friend Tobi about it a bit, but even he didn't understand, and everytime I would voice a fear to him, he would just reassure me that it was pre-wedding jitters and would talk about what a great guy Richard was. This just made it seem worse, because if even my best friend couldn't get it, who in the world was going to understand me??
And so the wedding jugernaut rolled on, flattening everything in its process, and I just got quieter and quieter, and more and more upset. I kept on praying and asking God to change my feelings, questioning why I felt this way about this lovely man, help me in this situation.......You know, those prayers, where you don't say much to God but HELP! HELP! HELP!!!!!!!!! The situation remained the same, my feelings didn't change, I still felt trapped, guilty, alone, and then one day, I remember it like it happened yesterday. I was sitting down in my living room, talking/ arguing to my mum on the phone about how many invitations she was going to get, when there was a knock on my door, it was Richard, he looked at me, and said we needed to talk. I said about......
He said, why are you not happy?? And I just started to cry.............

Oh my goodness, is that the time? I know you guys are going to kill me, but I really have to continue this later, I promise I will finish the story next installment. It's just soooooooo long, and I've got to go to work now or I will be ridiculously late!!!